Our Italian Adventure: Duplicating one's life in Italy

PART 109: It might be interesting to share how we pulled off living in Italy for part of the year. I will post some steps and what we are learning along the way.

We love every minute of it, and what was once a dream is our life!

We live in Tuscany in the Fall, then back again in the Spring, and in California for the rest of the time (in a previous blog, I explained why we live in Italy only part of the year).

Let's explore a pitfall to be avoided: trying to duplicate one's life in Italy.

Step 1: As we settle into our new life in Italy, we are adapting to a new culture and lifestyle. However, we have encountered other foreigners and expats who have moved to Italy with high hopes, only to end up feeling disappointed and frustrated.

This week, let's delve into the self-defeating endeavor of trying to replicate one's previous life in Italy.

Step 2: Comfort level.

Most of us are comfortable in our own culture. Here in California, I enjoy running over to Costco to find more than I need, living in a multi-bedroom and bathroom house with a yard and access to a pool, and being able to grab a quick meal when I am busy. I enjoy the convenience of knowing where to get what I need and knowing how long it will take to get or accomplish it.

In fact, when I ask Americans living in Italy what they miss the most from the US, most say "convenience."

There is nothing wrong with familiarity and comfort with one's own culture and the convenience that comes with it.

However, if I harbor expectations that life in another culture should operate in the same ways, this can become an obstacle to experiencing a new culture on its own terms.

Step 3: Frustrations and criticisms.

A few years ago, I was in a cafe in Rome and overheard an exchange between an American couple and the barista.

American lady: "I want a coffee."

Italian barista (in Italian and some English): "Che tipo di caffè - what kind of coffee?"

The American lady, staring at the barista and not understanding.

Barista: "Espresso, cappuccino, caffelatte?"

The American lady, visibly annoyed and raising her voice: "I want a NORMAL coffee!"

The barista shrugged his shoulders and made her an Americano.

This may be an example of the "ugly American" stereotype, but it also reflects a mentality that many of us carry over to Italy, perhaps in more subtle ways.

If not addressed and confronted, subtle frustrations with the workings of another culture can build and fester, ultimately ruining one's magnificent opportunity to live in Italy.

I have also seen this in housing. "We need a four-bedroom, three-bathroom house in the historical center. Oh, and with a garage!" I have heard some foreigners say. "We want a house like the one we had back in the US" is another refrain. “We definitely need a yard, and we want to be in the center of town!" is another.

Trying to duplicate one's life in Italy will always lead to unhappiness and prevent one from embracing what is different.

Step 4: My experience.

During my university years, when I first started living in Italy, I have to admit that I was sometimes the "ugly American." It was in the 1980s, and I was 19, with little world experience.

I remember complaining about things like, "Hasn't anyone in this country ever heard of a seedless grape?" or "Back in California, we can grab a bite, go to a movie, and still be home before 11!" I even grumbled about how long it takes to run errands in Italy.

Looking back, some of these comments make me cringe now, but at the time, my mindset prevented me from seeing the positive side of living in another culture.

It took me about two years to understand that all the things I was complaining about actually had positive sides.

Step 5: Changing my attitude.

When I returned to California after my first two years in Italy, I realized that I had started to change without even realizing it. I noticed that the leisurely meals with friends in Italy were more about fostering connections and building relationships than just grabbing a quick dinner with friends. I also realized that taking the time to visit a produce store, butcher, and bakery in Italy ensured that I could enjoy better quality food than I could find at Costco, and friendships developed in each of those places. Furthermore, spontaneous invitations from friends in Italy for a meal or festival were often more fulfilling than scheduling events weeks in advance back in California.

Step 6: Calling myself out.

Living in two cultures is a privilege many don't have, and there is nothing wrong with recognizing cultural and mental differences. However, I can short-circuit my appreciation for another culture if I set myself up as a judge. I still have to call myself out when I find myself judging a whole culture or society based on having to stand in line for longer than I want, sitting at a meal for longer than I am used to, or interacting with those who have a completely different perspective on life than mine.

Step 7: The reward.

Appreciating and embracing another culture may come naturally for some, but we often have to work at it. Once I began to see what is behind some of these differences—community, relationship bonds, celebrating life, food, and culture—I actually came to prefer the Italian lifestyle to the one I was accustomed to in California.

Insights: The surest way to have a disappointing experience while living in Italy is to try to replicate one's life from one's home country, consciously or unconsciously. Whether it's expecting the housing, food, ways of doing things, or mindsets to be the same as what we are used to, all expectations of "sameness" need to be set aside. Embracing the differences without judgment is necessary to make living in another country successful.

More next time.

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