Our Italian Adventure: A Bigger Life

PART 111: It might be interesting to share how we pulled off living in Italy for part of the year. I will post some steps and what we are learning along the way.

We love every minute of it, and what was once a dream is our life!

We live in Tuscany in the Fall, then back again in the Spring, and in California for the rest of the time (in a previous blog, I explained why we live in Italy only part of the year).

Step 1: As we explore areas in Italy, we are discovering some gems worth sharing. Some are well-known tourist magnets, and others are lesser-known but always amazing.

This week, let's stay closer to home and reflect on why we decided to establish a life in Italy and how we keep moving forward.

This is a more personal blog.

Step 2: I was introduced to the concept of living a "big life" many years ago when my life had shrunk. An important person in my life had developed a drug addiction, and I found myself consumed by trying to manage it. I could temporarily put aside my concerns while in the classroom with my students, but my personal life was in disarray.

My thoughts were constantly occupied with questions like, "How can I make him stop?" and "Is this somehow my fault?" and "What have I overlooked or not thought of yet?" Trying to control the addictive behavior became my primary focus. When I was with friends, I would talk about the situation. When I was alone, I would dwell on it. Even in my prayers, it was all I could think about. It completely took over my life.

Step 3: I reached a point where I realized I was in over my head, so I decided to seek help. I started therapy and joined a 12-step program (Al-Anon). Initially, I thought my situation was unique, and no one would understand. However, I found others facing similar challenges who had learned to shift the focus from the person with an addiction to themselves and, as a result, lead a "bigger life."

Step 4: I slowly realized that I am responsible for my happiness. A therapist once told me, "He will stop using when he decides to stop," and, though a simple concept, it was like a revelation to me. I realized I was responsible for my own life, and it was time to find ways to fill my empty emotional and spiritual tank. Around this time, someone shared Abraham Lincoln's quote: "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." So, I started taking steps to stop controlling others and refocusing on my own life.

Step 5: Freed up spaces

When I started minding my own business, I had more time, mental space, and energy than when I was focused on others.

The questions about what I wanted my life to be began to surface around this time.

Step 6: Fast forward

As years passed and I became emotionally healthier, I started meeting people who were more stable in their lives. My friendships improved, I found my current partner and my career flourished.

Yet, through all this, I kept feeling a strong pull from Italy, where I had lived in the 1980s.

Step 7: Enough?

The concept of having a "bigger life" kept resurfacing as I came to more of an understanding of addiction and powerlessness over it.

I remembered that, at the meetings that I attended, some people talked about a shift in focus in their lives, while others discussed learning to give the addict space and redirecting their focus on their own lives (i.e., learning to mind my own business). Some shared their experience of rediscovering personal interests that were long forgotten.

During this peaceful time, when my life finally felt "normal," one day my partner asked if what our lives looked like then was enough. We had our careers, retirement plans, home, car, and favorite TV programs, but was it enough?

We began questioning what a "bigger life" could mean for us.

Step 8: A Life in Italy

I remember the moment clearly. One afternoon, out of the blue, my partner asked, "What do you think about living in Italy when you retire from teaching?"

My initial response was, "We can't afford it; plus, we could never move there."

That was the response of someone accustomed to a small life.

Little did he know, he had planted a seed in my mind.

Step 9: All or Nothing?

As we came to understand that residing in Europe did not necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing scenario, what appeared to be unattainable slowly became achievable.

Initially, living abroad seemed impossible for many reasons, including work responsibilities, health issues, financial concerns, student loans and about 1,000 other things. But we made some progress by taking small steps: visiting friends in Italy, exploring the housing markets, creating financial plans, and researching full-time versus part-time living abroad.

The breakthrough came when we understood that it didn't have to be a binary choice. We could live in Italy for part of the year and in California the other part. This simple idea was a revelation for us. Once we let go of the "all or nothing" mindset, we realized we could have a bigger life within our existing circumstances.

I will write more about abandoning the "all or nothing" mentality in a future blog. But stepping beyond the confines of a binary choice helped us start our adventure sooner rather than later.

Now, we are renovating a house in Tuscany and creating a richer life in the enchanting land of Italy.

More next time.

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